Loading...I’m visiting my daughter and her family up in New Hampshire just now, and the 16 year-old is reading A Children’s Bible, a novel by Pulitzer Prize finalist Lydia Millet, for her English class. But it’s filled with biblical allusions from the book of Genesis and elsewhere, so over dinner last night I decided it was time to tell some Bible jokes.
You hear a lot of these if you go to Bible college, trust me. And maybe otherwise! Here are four of the classics. Do you have any? Let’s hear ‘em.
- Where is baseball first mentioned in the Bible?
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And the Lord said to Moses, ‘Come forth!’ But he came fifth and failed to qualify. 😅
Ouch!
Perhaps it wasn’t meant as a joke, but I have to say that I laughed more at your explanation than I have in a long time—especially when you mentioned the apocryphal story about Paul being beheaded and then reattaching his head to appear to someone, and the account about Peter in which a tuna sandwich being grilled somehow turned back into a fish.
To be completely honest, I think the instructors in your academy could benefit from having a sense of humor like yours.
I know you assume Peter was a low class illiterate fisherman, but recent findings have determined that he was actually well educated and wealthy… apparently he had great ‘net’-results… 😏
Ah, good….
When is cricket mentioned in the Bible? When Peter stood up with the eleven and was bold. (bowled).
First British sports car race mentioned in Bible? When Moses came forth in his Triumph!
OK then!!
What kind of car did the Apostles drive? A Honda… because they were in one Accord! (Ref: Acts 2)
Whoa… Good one.
I came here to post that joke.
The first shall be last….
Jesus and Moses are about to tee off when a third golfer joins their party.
Moses goes first, but he hits a slice and the ball plops into a water hazard. Nonplussed, he goes to the pond, raises his club, the water parts, and he is able to chip back onto the fairway from the dry bottom.
Next up is Jesus, and he, too, hits a slice to the pond, but the ball miraculously hovers above the water at tee height. Jesus walks across the water, and with a driver hits the ball almost to the green, right in the fairway.
The third golfer tees off. Again, a slice, and just before the ball hits the water, a large salmon leaps out and swallows it. As the salmon lands back in the water, before it can dive, an eagle catches it in its talons and flies off and over the green, where it loses grip and drops the fish, which expels the ball on impact.
The ball rolls into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus. “I hate playing with your dad.”
HA!!!
reminds me of a a quip usually credited to Lee Trevino Who is generally credited with the quote, “If you are caught in a storm and are afraid of lightning hold up a 1 iron. Even God can’t hit a 1 iron.”?
Lee Trevino said: “Even God can’t hit a 1 iron”
Terrific! I guess it’s the only way I’m like God….
I love this one!
How do we know that Peter drove a Honda? Acts 2:1 says that they were all in one Accord ( capitalization mine ).
And of course Jesus personally claimed to be God: John 15:5 I am divine. You are de branches.
Ha! Right!
Who smoked the first cigarette in the Bible?
Rebekah, … she lighted off the camel. (KJV)
Nice!
Q: Who was the Bible’s greatest investor?
A: Pharoah’s daughter. She went to the Nile and took out a little prophet.
I’m gonna use that one!
Everyone knows this one: (Ecclesiastes 3:20) You come from dust and you will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust. It could besomeone I know.
I don’t know it! Ha!
Trump discovering the story of David and Bathsheba and putting Jared on a ship in the Strait of Hormuz.
growing up in oopstate NY in our small city there was a huge neon sign on the side of a bldg proclaiming JESUS SAVES, MY Dad would invariably comment but MOSES INVESTS! wah wah
Not jokes but made up books of the Bible or scripture references:
Hezekiah 3:5 (insert any non-existent verse you wish were in the Bible but isn’t).
Paul’s Epistle to the Miscellaneous. (Made that one up!)
Neither of these two sent this morning are the Bible jokes you want but I want to share them with you anyway:
Jerry Seinfield: “A vicar has this beautiful garden, just magnificent, and, as he is working away in it,
this other guy walks up and stands admiring it: “Boy! God’s best work, huh?” The vicar looks up at him and says, “You should have seen it when HE was in charge of it!”
Nice!
Reagan liked to tell a variant of this one
Paul doesn’t align the text in his Word documents since justification is by faith. (Maybe this is too niche…)
Good one!!
I don’t but I do got a question:
In an older BAR article, by Jarl Fossum, Fossum made the claim that when Jesus calmed the sea, he did this because he was “the Lord of creation.” He brings in OT episodes where God defeats a sea monster (chaos), and parts the Red Sea.
It seems that he is arguing that by calming the storm Jesus is somehow exercising the power of God, or in other words, doing what God does. It was God who parted the Red Sea, it was God who smote the sea dragon.
Do you view this miracle as any different than multiplying fish, exercising demons, healing the sick? In other words, does it tell us more about the nature of Jesus than other miracles?
I’d say they all are meant to show that Jesus has the power of God in him, and in some cases it is shown by him doing the kinds of things that God does… (Making wine (John 2): Psalm 104:15)
Did you know that the first record of dentistry is in the Bible?
Psalm 85:10 – “I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.”
Ha!
Why was Pharoah’s daughter a great businesswoman?
She was able to pull a small prophet out of the rushes on the bank.
Why didn’t Moses go fishing?
He had only two worms.
What time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it. (My priest actually told me that one when I was an altar boy!)
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible.
I’m an “eight-theist.”
Whoa. Good ones!! Im going to use some of them. disabledupes{594d9b6f5931fb1eb7bbb9d2e3826e97}disabledupes
I heard a preacher say: God spoke through Balaam’s donkey. And one old farmer in the back said,
“Well, that explains a few sermons I’ve heard.
!!!
Did you know the three wise men were firemen?
They came from afar.
(Southern pronunciation required)
Arg…
There was one joke I heard many years ago and it was so funny it always made people laugh. But I can’t remember it, doggonit. If it comes to me then I’ll post it here. But try these:
Which area of the Promised Land is especially wealthy? The area around the Jordan where the banks keep overflowing.
How do we know God likes coffee? Because the Bible says He brews.
What did Adam say to Eve when handing her something to wear? “Take it or leaf it.”
Ha! All good. I esp. like Adam and Eve!
Did you know that Rebekah, wife of Isaac, smoked?
Genesis 24:64 (KJV): And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
Yowser.
There was a man who was righteous in the eyes of God who reached the end of his life. He negotiated with God about whether he could bring something with him. God relented and said he could bring whatever he could fit in one bag. During his sick bed, the rich man ordered that all his estate and everything he owned be sold, exchanged for bars of gold, and that the bag be placed in the coffin with him. After arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, an angel of the Lord would not permit him to enter. The man told the angel that he had been given permission by God to bring one item. After confirming the man’s story, the angel allowed him to enter. The angel, wanting to see what the man was bringing into Heaven, asked him to open his bag. After looking at it, the angel asked, “Why did you bring pavement?”
HA!!
A couple is killed in a car crash and find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates. They hear Peter reviewing a man ahead of them: “Oh, this doesn’t look good, sir. You loved money so much you even married a woman named ‘Penny.’ Go over to that elevator and push the down button.” The next man stepped forward and Peter shook his head again. “Mister, you were were a drunkard who loved wine so much you even married a woman named ‘Sherry.’ Go over to the elevator and push the down button.” At that the new man in line left his wife’s side and headed for the elevator, calling back to his wife, “So long, Fanny!”
Ai yai yai….
Comedian Father Guido Sarducci had a good bit where he told of how we “pay for our sins.” He said when we die and get to the gate of heaven God is there and he looks you straight in the eye and pays you $14.50 for each day that you lived. He gives all of this money then he starts going over your sins and you have to pay for your sins. Maybe when you were a little kid you stole a bag of potato chips, that might be like $6.00 fine. Lying, every time you lie, $10.00. Murder, that’s the worst, $100,000. Masturbation would be 25 cents, a cheap sin but it can really add up over time. If you have enough money to pay off all of your sins then you get to go into heaven. But if you don’t have enough then you have to go back and be born again. It’s kind of like having to go back to work during a wonderful vacation. Father Sarducci says he’s been having this nightmare that he’s an old guy that just died and standing in front of God he comes up just 25 cents short.
Whoa…
Who was the most popular actor in the Bible?
(Samson, because he brought the house down.)
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
(Because Noah was standing on the deck.)
More good ones!!
I remember a cheesy one from when I was a kid, but it’s in German:
Frage: Wer waren die ersten Fußballspieler?
Antwort: Jesus und seine Jünger, denn es steht geschrieben: Jesus stand im Tor, seine Jünger aber standen abseits.
Ha! They are especially abseits in the Gospel of Mark!
There is a rather silly yet quite amusing parody of the hymn ‘On Jordan’s bank the Baptist’s cry announcing that the Lord is nigh’ that I always remember: “On Jordan’s bank the Baptists cry, if I were one then so would I. They never drink, they have no fun, thank God I am an Anglican”.
Ha! Good one.
At the beginning of a Christian fellowship meeting someone asked who was going to make coffee.
The women replied that the men were because “He brews”.
At a Christian camp meeting the pastor said it was time to call it a night. He then said- my shack, your shack, and to bed we go!!
Ha! Wonder who gets it. I definitely do!!
“Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet. What am I?”
You asked for bad Bible jokes, and that riddle is the only one I know!
Ah, a joke *in* the Bible!
Moses walks into a psychiatrist’s office. He says, “Last night I dreamt I was the Ohel Moed. Tonight I dreamt I was the mishkan.”
Doctor replies, “Ah, there’s your problem. You’re too tense”
An, we’re going niche! I suppose folk could look it up! Pretty good.
This makes me think of a gender-neutral Bible translation I heard about, where Jesus tells Andrew and Peter: ‘I will make you fish people’
First time I learnt about that miracle!
Right! Transformative….
Jesus is on the cross and Peter is watching from below.
Jesus says, “Peter… Peter…” and then mumbles something.
Peter looks up and says, “What? lord? I can’t hear you.”
The same thing happens again with the same result. Finally, Peter says, “Wait lord, I’ll be right back!” He scrambles home to his garage, grabs his ladder and rushes back. He props the ladder up and scampers up, right next to Jesus.
“I’m here Lord,” Peter says. “I’m here. Tell me.”
Jesus says, “Peter… I can see your house from here.”
ouch.
God, Jesus, and Moses are out on the golf course when they arrive at a par-4 hole with a large pond in front of the green. God and Moses lay up with their tee shots, so as to carry their second shots over the water and onto the green. Then Jesus steps up, intending to carry the water with his tee shot. But God says: “Hey, Jesus, remember… you’re not Arnold Palmer!” Jesus ignores him, steps up, and promptly hits his tee shot into the middle of the pond. Afterwards, he strolls down the fairway and then nonchalantly walks out onto the water to play his second shot. Just then, as God and Moses walk up the fairway, a local spectator asks: “Who does that guy think he is… Jesus Christ?” God replies: “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
Ha!!
Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible? Job, because he had the most patients.
Who was the best business woman in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter, because she found a little profit in the bull rushes.
Who was the best business man in the Bible? Noah, because he floated his stock when the rest of the world was liquidated.
Great! Especially like the last one!
Anecdote on topic. US Navy, Gulf War, I’m one of about 10 ensigns. Sunday afternoon on the bridge, call from the XO, very enthusiastic about his idea: Every Sunday evening dinner in the wardroom (all officers except captain), I want an ensign (lowest officer rank, so kind of hazed mildly like this) to read something inspirational. and i want this to start off well, so i want you to go first, today.
Dilemma. Can’t blow it off … the XO is second only to god (who on the ship is the captain). Can’t set a great example and earn the spite of the other nine ensigns who will be saddled with this thing each week. I have to kill it somehow.
At dinner which, by luck, was dried out veal parmesan, navy style, the XO nodded. I reach under my chair and read in all earnestness the entirety of Leviticus 13 (the Law Concerning Leprosy). Words such as the following abound throughout: scab, sore, hair on the sore, leprous, changing colors of raw flesh, boil, various shades of body hair color, scale, various descriptions of baldness, plague, etc.
Everyone, including XO laughed uproariously. One stroke ended the series for good.
Whoa. Well done!! Did the new tradition continue?
No, the XO never asked another Ensign to follow that up. One of the ensigns my “gambit” saved is today Admiral Brad Cooper, CENTCOM in charge of the current military actions. Always a very nice fellow.
Met the XO years later and he told me he’d been telling the story of my escapade ever since. He had understood exactly my dilemma, and exactly how I split the hair to kill it. Thought it was hilarious, but effective.
Remember as kids when playground sport teams were picked based on who was the best? The worst were picked last? This builds on the original label of ‘Hebrew’ as ‘Apiru’ attributed by other societies/nations which means analogous to thugs, ruffians and outlaws, a ‘stiff-necked people’. And that El Elyion gave the Hebrews to Yahweh. And that much of the OT is narratives about the struggle to get the Hebrews to do what Yahweh desires.
Yahweh is a god without a people so he complains to El Elyion, “Look Marduk has the Sumerians. Baal the Canaanites. Isis has the Egyptians. Even on the other side of the earth Quetzalcoatl has the Aztecs [Note add or substitute as desired]. I don’t have any people to worship me. El Elyion thinks about the Hebrews that no other god wanted, so gives them to Yahweh.
Later Yahweh returns to El Elyion telling him that the Hebrews are worshiping other gods, they are disobeying his laws, they don’t sacrifice correctly, etc. El Elyion says “What did you expect? They are Apiru.”
Ah, an intricate piece of humor…
Why can our wives never decide what they want for dinner?
Because the last time a wife chose what was for dinner we got kicked out of the Garden of Eden!
Ouch. I hope there’s an Adam joke to go with it!!
Regarding ” Jesus tells Andrew and Peter: ‘I will make you fish people’ “, my partner has had problems with that verse for a while. After all, he points out, what do you do with fish when you catch them? You kill ’em, you gut ’em, you cook ’em and you eat ’em.
The Pope flies into LaGuardia and has to get to the UN. The cab is stuck in traffic and the Pope wants the cabbie to drive on the median to get around the crowd. The cabbie objects, “But Holy Father, if I get one more ticket I’ll lose my license.” The Pope tells the cabbie to sit in the back while he drives the cab, and is driving down the median when he gets pulled over. The cop looks in the window and goes back to his car to call headquarters.
“I have a problem – I pulled over a real important guy and I don’t know what to do.”
The dispatcher replies, “Well, who is it? Is it the governor?”
“No, he’s bigger than that” [conversation goes through several iterations]
“Well, who is it??”
“I don’t know, but the Pope’s his chauffeur.”
HA!
A gentleman named Bart Ehrman is playing cards with his buddies one night and claims he knows everybody in the whole world. One of his friends says,“I bet you don’t know the mayor.” Bart says, “Actually the mayor and I have breakfast together once a week.” Another guy says,“I bet you don’t know the governor.” Bart replies,“The governor and I play golf every other month.” Another guy says,“I bet you don’t know the president.” Bart corrects him,“The president and I go hunting every fall.” Another guys says,“I know you don’t know the Pope.” Bart chuckled, “You’re wrong. He consults with me often.” So the guy says, “prove it!”
So they go to the Vatican and Bart tells the guy to wait at the bus stop and then he and the Pope will walk out on the balcony and wave to him. So, Bart’s buddy waits for a while and sure enough, Bart comes walking out with the pope shaking hands and laughing. Bart’s buddy nudges the guy next to him and says,“Do you know who that guy is?” and the man replies,“I don’t know who the guy with the funny hat is but the other guy is Dr. Bart Ehrman!”
Ha, right!
Apologies to Richard Carrier. I had a dream. I was at a small airfield awaiting boarding a small propeller-driven aircraft with two other passengers – Bart Ehrman and Richard Carrier. Bart is wearing a backpack. Richard and I have no luggage. As we board, I count the parachutes. Three parachutes. Over a mountainous area, the single engine stalled. The propeller stopped. The pilot grabbed a parachute and bailed out. We watched as his parachute opened. Two parachutes left. Richard said, “John Willis is an anonymous stranger, and Bart is my academic adversary. I am taking a parachute. Goodbye.” Bart and I watched him jump out the door, but we never saw his parachute open. I offered to flip a coin for the remaining parachute. Bart said, “Not necessary. Richard grabbed my backpack by mistake.” Modify this joke to satisfy any situation. Imagine Albert Einstein grabbing the backpack of Nikola Tesla. Arthur Eddington grabbing the backpack of Herbert Dingle. Edwin Hubble grabbing the backpack of Halton Arp. Stephen Hawking grabbing the backpack of Louis Essen.
Since we are doing biblical anecdotes: My father was a Navy Chaplain stationed at (now defunct) Quonset Point Naval Air Station. When our washing machine broke down, we set up multiple appointments with the local repairman, but no one came. Finally my father left the following message other answering machine: “This is Chaplain Blank. Please consult Matthew 11:3”. A fellow arrived the next day.
That’s great!!
Jesus is with the woman accused of adultery. He says “Let any of you without sin cast the first stone”. A rock comes sailing from the back of the crowd and nails the woman in the head. Jesus says “Mom!! You are always screwing up my stories”
!!!
So, at the high school reunion, this girl whom I had a crush on said that she dreamed about me. She said that she was at the Stairway to Heaven but could not climb it. I showed up and carried her up the stairs to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her, but said that her donkey had to stay outside. Next joke. The State of Georgia was a prison colony 300 years ago. A meteor fell from the sky and killed two prisoners instantly. St. Peter looked up and saw the two men from Georgia. He asked for their names. Their names were not listed in the Lamb’s Book of Life. St. Peter told them to wait by the Pearly Gates while he asked Jesus for instructions. When St. Peter returned, the two men from Georgia were gone . . . and so were the Pearly Gates.
Ouch…
Question: What was Noah’s wife’s name? Answer: Joan… Joan of Ark.
Arg…
St Peter and the Devil are talking over the fence between Heaven and Hell, which is in disrepair.
St. Peter: The contract clearly states that you are responsible for repairing this end of the fence. If you don’t get it done, I’ll sue you.
Devil: Oh really? Where are you going to find a lawyer?
ugh…
Its much easier for God to number the hairs on your head when your bald.
erg…
When the Europeans came to Africa they brought the bible, we had the land. They asked us to pray together. When we finished we had the bible , they owned the land.
First time poster, long time reader!
A priest, a Levite, and a Samaritan are walking towards a bar. They come across a half-dead guy lying in a ditch. The priest looks down and mutters a short, quiet prayer. “I’ve done all I can,” he says as he wide-steps the man and moves to the other side of the road. The Levite steps in a bit closer and snaps a photo on his phone. “Posted to our prayer group. Amen!” He also crosses to the other side of the road. The half-dead man calls out, “I’m not dead! I can hear you!” Then the Samaritan walks up, kneels down, and says, “Don’t worry, friend — I’ve got bandages, oil, wine, a donkey, and a room at the inn already booked.” Noting the man’s condition and smell, he adds “but, yeah, they will need your card for incidentals.”
Right!
What was under the table at the Last Supper?
Judas’ carry-out.
What was Jesus’s first job at the barbershop?
Jesus swept.
Ouch.
I don’t know if this had been posted.
Who is the meanest man in the Bible?
Boaz. He was Ruthless.
Who was the fastest person that ever lived?
Adam. He was first in the human race.
Good ones….
As you may know, schools in the UK are sometimes given names of the saints eg St Thomas Moore. Also, the principal of a school is the headteacher.
At one school, John the Baptist primary, the headteacher would always answer the telephone with the words, “This is the head of John the Baptist speaking.”
Ha!
I read above about the Honda Accord, but Britain has its own take on the first car mentioned in the Bible: Moses came down the mountain in his Triumph.
Who was the most flexible man in the Bible? Balaam, who tied his ass to a tree and walked two miles into town.
Ah, good one!
A golfer gets to a par 3 hole that requires hitting over a lake. He puts his good ball in his pocket and gets an old scratched up dirty one from his bag to tee up. Then he hears God say “hit your good ball” so he tees up the good ball and takes a practice swing. Then he hears God say “oh, hit your bad ball.”
Good one! I’m resonating: Hole 7 at the Lawrence country club…